Undone

If I were to pick one word to describe me right now, it would be undone. Seven months ago, we started this journey to adopt by simply saying yes, we were willing. In faith, we started the process of applying to Koinonia, knowing that if we were really hearing from God, he would provide the time and the means for it to happen. And sure enough, the money came in for us to pay for all the fees associated with becoming fost-adopt certified as well as all the home improvements we needed to make. That includes a new furniture set, as well as bedding and many other miscellaneous things. But all along, I have wondered about the van. The cost of all the other things was quite small compared to the van. So, we waited for tax season and wondered. But in the meantime, I was regularly on craigslist seeing what was out there and noticing that the vans that really looked good were all running at least $10,000, which is out of our price range.

Moving forward to now, we had our tax appointment on Friday and found out how much our return would be. It was good, but not $10,000. After doing some numbers, we decided that we really needed to keep it at or below $8000. There are a lot of Chevys out there for that, especially if it is really basic with not that many features and if it's an older model. So, Friday night I'm on craigslist again. I found a bunch of possibilities, but two stood out. One was a 1999 diesel with a leather interior sold by a dealer. The other was a 2005 being sold by a private party. Both were 12 passenger. So, after some financial consultation with my mom and mechanical consultation with my dad, I decided to call on the 2005. (Thanks, you two!)

Ok, so get this. I got on the phone with this guy named Danny. Turns out that he's selling this van on behalf of his church. They bought it for a couple of youth trips because it was cheaper to buy a van and use it a couple times and then sell it than it was to rent a van. Not a bad idea. Before the church owned it, the army did. So it has been meticulusouly maintained over it's lifetime, whereas a private party may not have maintained it as well. Danny is not only a Christian, but he is also an elder in his church AND he has seven kids of his own to boot! So he is totally excited to sell it to us and even offered to knock a few hundred off of his asking price.

Ok, so, the test drive. Matthew drove it first. We drove it to our mechanic to have him look at it. Matthew really liked it and was sold by the time we got to the shop. We told the mechanic a few things that we had noticed. One thing that had me concerned was some water staining on the ceiling in the back. I asked him to take a look at that because I don't want a leaking van! We headed home and an hour and a half later we get a call. "The van looks great! It's in great condition!" He was really impressed. And the leakage concern? Apparently, the trim had come loose back there and a bit in the front. So they just popped it back in for us since they were there. (Thank you Franklin's Family Auto. They are the best mechanic ever.)

While we waited for Franklin's to look at the van, I got on Kelley Blue Book. I put in all the features and the condition of the van and it came up as worth $9745 in excellent condition or $9070 in good condition, which is where I would put it. You know how much they are asking? $7600.

You know those features I was talking about doing without? This van has them. All the doors, windows and mirrors are electronic. The side mirrors have a defrost function. There is heat and a/c throughout, not just in the front. It has dual front airbags. And the passenger airbag even has a switch so that I can turn it off if I need to. It's ready for a tow package, if we ever decide to go that route. There's a little button thingy that you can push to switch it into tow mode, whatever that is. There is even a running board on the driver's side for my short legs! Really, this is way more than I could have imagined. The only thing that it doesn't have is a CD player. But it does have a radio, so if we ever decide to install a CD player it will not be a problem. In the meantime, I'll be listening to Air 1 a lot. Well, I already listen to Air 1, but it sounded good to say that.

I got to drive it back to the owner. The first time that the enormity of this van hit me was when I adjusted the side mirrors. The van kept going and going further and further back. Then I adjusted the rear view mirror and noticed that I was centering the far distant windows in the reflection. Wow, it's long. And I was thinking I might want a 15 passenger. But I found that I was completely comfortable driving it. I felt a little short, well, a lot short. I was imagining how I must look to someone looking in from the outside, barely peeking over the steering wheel. Kind of a comical picture, if you ask me. I was thinking that I might need to use a pillow to help me out in that area, but we'll see. The next thing I noticed was how small our van out in front of me looked. Really, it looked small. I think we'll start calling our mini-van the sports car. That's how small it looked from my lofty vantagepoint.

As I was driving, it hit me that this is really happening. And that it's happening far beyond and in a much better way that I ever expected. Sound like someone you know? "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him [be] glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. " (Eph 3:20-21) This is exceedingly abundantly above all I could have asked or thought. This journey of faith has been, and it continuing to be, the biggest test of faith that I have ever experienced. I can't tell you the fear I have battled that we might not be hearing God right, that maybe we really are crazy and going off the deep end. But, in the very beginning, we prayed that God would open the doors if this is what we are supposed to do and close them if not. And it has been nothing, nothing but open doors. I am amazed. I am undone. I cried most of the way back to the owner's house. To top it off, a week ago, a dear friend of mine woke up in the morning with this verse for me. "Charm is deceptve, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Prov. 31:30. (Then she said that I get extra praise because not only do I fear the Lord, but I am also beautiful. :) Ok, I'll recieve that.) So, we're turning into the neighborhood, almost to the owner's place and I'm listening to Air 1. They have these spots called "Lifechange Moments" and one came on. You guessed it. The verse was Proverbs 31:30. That did it for me. It could have been any verse in the Bible, but God put that one on for me. It was like God's stamp of approval on me, us, and this insane journey that we're on.

I do get scared. I'm scared of the struggle of bringing two hurting children into our home. I'm scared of the issues that we might have to face. I'm scared of the negative impact it could have on our kids. I'm scared of getting burned out. But then I see God obviously leading us, clearly making our path straight. And all I can say is, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Ps. 23:4. God has called us to this journey and he will not abandon us on the way. In fact, I would rather be out on a limb with God than denying his calling and staying in the security of the trunk of the tree. It's safer on the limb. :)

So, we have to finalize the sale. And that might not happen until Thursday. I might just amaze you with another post later this week when we have the van. But most likely I'll be getting my dream car this week! Unless, of course, God has a different plan. ;)