Undone

If I were to pick one word to describe me right now, it would be undone. Seven months ago, we started this journey to adopt by simply saying yes, we were willing. In faith, we started the process of applying to Koinonia, knowing that if we were really hearing from God, he would provide the time and the means for it to happen. And sure enough, the money came in for us to pay for all the fees associated with becoming fost-adopt certified as well as all the home improvements we needed to make. That includes a new furniture set, as well as bedding and many other miscellaneous things. But all along, I have wondered about the van. The cost of all the other things was quite small compared to the van. So, we waited for tax season and wondered. But in the meantime, I was regularly on craigslist seeing what was out there and noticing that the vans that really looked good were all running at least $10,000, which is out of our price range.

Moving forward to now, we had our tax appointment on Friday and found out how much our return would be. It was good, but not $10,000. After doing some numbers, we decided that we really needed to keep it at or below $8000. There are a lot of Chevys out there for that, especially if it is really basic with not that many features and if it's an older model. So, Friday night I'm on craigslist again. I found a bunch of possibilities, but two stood out. One was a 1999 diesel with a leather interior sold by a dealer. The other was a 2005 being sold by a private party. Both were 12 passenger. So, after some financial consultation with my mom and mechanical consultation with my dad, I decided to call on the 2005. (Thanks, you two!)

Ok, so get this. I got on the phone with this guy named Danny. Turns out that he's selling this van on behalf of his church. They bought it for a couple of youth trips because it was cheaper to buy a van and use it a couple times and then sell it than it was to rent a van. Not a bad idea. Before the church owned it, the army did. So it has been meticulusouly maintained over it's lifetime, whereas a private party may not have maintained it as well. Danny is not only a Christian, but he is also an elder in his church AND he has seven kids of his own to boot! So he is totally excited to sell it to us and even offered to knock a few hundred off of his asking price.

Ok, so, the test drive. Matthew drove it first. We drove it to our mechanic to have him look at it. Matthew really liked it and was sold by the time we got to the shop. We told the mechanic a few things that we had noticed. One thing that had me concerned was some water staining on the ceiling in the back. I asked him to take a look at that because I don't want a leaking van! We headed home and an hour and a half later we get a call. "The van looks great! It's in great condition!" He was really impressed. And the leakage concern? Apparently, the trim had come loose back there and a bit in the front. So they just popped it back in for us since they were there. (Thank you Franklin's Family Auto. They are the best mechanic ever.)

While we waited for Franklin's to look at the van, I got on Kelley Blue Book. I put in all the features and the condition of the van and it came up as worth $9745 in excellent condition or $9070 in good condition, which is where I would put it. You know how much they are asking? $7600.

You know those features I was talking about doing without? This van has them. All the doors, windows and mirrors are electronic. The side mirrors have a defrost function. There is heat and a/c throughout, not just in the front. It has dual front airbags. And the passenger airbag even has a switch so that I can turn it off if I need to. It's ready for a tow package, if we ever decide to go that route. There's a little button thingy that you can push to switch it into tow mode, whatever that is. There is even a running board on the driver's side for my short legs! Really, this is way more than I could have imagined. The only thing that it doesn't have is a CD player. But it does have a radio, so if we ever decide to install a CD player it will not be a problem. In the meantime, I'll be listening to Air 1 a lot. Well, I already listen to Air 1, but it sounded good to say that.

I got to drive it back to the owner. The first time that the enormity of this van hit me was when I adjusted the side mirrors. The van kept going and going further and further back. Then I adjusted the rear view mirror and noticed that I was centering the far distant windows in the reflection. Wow, it's long. And I was thinking I might want a 15 passenger. But I found that I was completely comfortable driving it. I felt a little short, well, a lot short. I was imagining how I must look to someone looking in from the outside, barely peeking over the steering wheel. Kind of a comical picture, if you ask me. I was thinking that I might need to use a pillow to help me out in that area, but we'll see. The next thing I noticed was how small our van out in front of me looked. Really, it looked small. I think we'll start calling our mini-van the sports car. That's how small it looked from my lofty vantagepoint.

As I was driving, it hit me that this is really happening. And that it's happening far beyond and in a much better way that I ever expected. Sound like someone you know? "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him [be] glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. " (Eph 3:20-21) This is exceedingly abundantly above all I could have asked or thought. This journey of faith has been, and it continuing to be, the biggest test of faith that I have ever experienced. I can't tell you the fear I have battled that we might not be hearing God right, that maybe we really are crazy and going off the deep end. But, in the very beginning, we prayed that God would open the doors if this is what we are supposed to do and close them if not. And it has been nothing, nothing but open doors. I am amazed. I am undone. I cried most of the way back to the owner's house. To top it off, a week ago, a dear friend of mine woke up in the morning with this verse for me. "Charm is deceptve, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Prov. 31:30. (Then she said that I get extra praise because not only do I fear the Lord, but I am also beautiful. :) Ok, I'll recieve that.) So, we're turning into the neighborhood, almost to the owner's place and I'm listening to Air 1. They have these spots called "Lifechange Moments" and one came on. You guessed it. The verse was Proverbs 31:30. That did it for me. It could have been any verse in the Bible, but God put that one on for me. It was like God's stamp of approval on me, us, and this insane journey that we're on.

I do get scared. I'm scared of the struggle of bringing two hurting children into our home. I'm scared of the issues that we might have to face. I'm scared of the negative impact it could have on our kids. I'm scared of getting burned out. But then I see God obviously leading us, clearly making our path straight. And all I can say is, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Ps. 23:4. God has called us to this journey and he will not abandon us on the way. In fact, I would rather be out on a limb with God than denying his calling and staying in the security of the trunk of the tree. It's safer on the limb. :)

So, we have to finalize the sale. And that might not happen until Thursday. I might just amaze you with another post later this week when we have the van. But most likely I'll be getting my dream car this week! Unless, of course, God has a different plan. ;)

Life Goes On

The last couple of months have been busy...as usual. :) As far as the fost-adopt process goes, we worked over the holidays on finishing up things around the house to be ready for our final home inspection. We just had that inspection two weeks ago and passed. Yay! So that means our home meets all the safety requirements that the state of California has for foster homes. We also took our last class a week ago. Now our file has been sent to the adoption department of Koinonia. We should be hearing from them in the next few weeks and start the interview process.

Tomorrow we are going out to look at a 12 passenger Chevy Express 2500. After much deliberation, we are pretty sure that we are going to buy a 12 passenger and not a 15 passenger. With our current family, we will have five extra seats in the van. But if we get two foster kids, that will take us down to 3 extra seats. Give us a few years and we'll probably have those filled, too! :)

In other news, Rebecca turned 10 earlier this month. We celebrated by inviting five of her friends to a Princess Laser Tag party, starting at a local laser tag venue and then moving to our house for gifts and DQ ice cream cake with the extended family. It was all a blast and a very memorable 10th birthday for her. She asked for money to buy a Nintendo DS and ended up with enough to buy the DS and two games! Talk about a score! I don't think I get that much money on my birthday! But I think that I need a DS now.

I sure am proud of my kids. It is an amazing journey to pour into your kids day after day for years and then finally begin to see it bear fruit in their lives. Both Rebecca and Daniel are just maturing so much right now. I'm starting to see who they are going to be as adults and it's pretty cool.

Remember the Unborn

I'll be honest. My heart grieves at the turn our country took today. I have so many reasons why I would not have had Barack Obama become president. But if there is no other reason, it would be because of the unborn. President-Elect Obama said on July 17, 2007 that the first thing he would do as president is sign the Freedom of Choice Act. This Act will essentially nullify the state laws and restrictions that have been placed on abortion, including parental notification, restrictions on government funds and, tragically, the ban on partial birth abortion. As a result, our nation will see at least 125,000 more abortions per year, in addition to the 1.3 million that already take place. (http://www.lifenews.com/nat4359.html) This is a tragedy that grieves my heart more than I can express.

But even as I write this, I am listening to the International House of Prayer lift up Barack Obama before the Lord. And as much as my heart and human understanding lead me to grieve, I know that my Lord's leadership is perfect. He has given us this man for his purposes and his purposes are good. So, Father, I want to join in the prayers being lifted up for President-Elect Obama. Would you reveal yourself to him for who you truly are. Will you visit him with dreams and visions. Will you show him how great and wide and deep is your love for him. Thank you for what you are going to do through this man as he leads our nation. And thank you that you are faithful in all your ways.

I was so blessed today to hear from an amazing young woman regarding the abortion issue. Would you please take some time to hear her story?

Blessed Beyond Measure

It's been so long since I entered a blog that I decided I must write one today no matter what. So much has happened since I last wrote. The biggest event, of course, was giving birth. Aaron Justice Stroup was born on July 25th and weighed 8 lbs. 15 oz. That makes him six weeks old today. He is a great little guy who seems to know that he's the fifth and fits himself right in to our routine. He has always been a great sleeper at night, which has been a huge blessing for me. Right now he seems to go 7-8 hours between feedings on most nights. He also has started smiling at me and cooing a lot.

We also started school this week. It's going very well. I feel like God has grown me over the summer as far as how I approach teaching. I think that the things he has shown me are helping me to be more patient and better able to help the kids when they are stuck. Rebecca is in fourth grade, Daniel in third and Joel in kindergarten. Daniel started Switched on Schoolhouse this year, which he loves since it's computer based. He watched Rebecca do it all last year and was itching to start school. Joel is "officially" in school now and is quite a concientous worker. He is quite meticulous about his work and wants to get it just right - ahhh, a teacher's dream. I'm trying a new reading curriculum with him this year called "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons." So far I really, really like it. He's enjoying the lessons as well. It's almost like we're playing a game together and he's learning without realizing it.

I have had many people ask me about how the adoption process is going. Let's see, the last news I gave was our experience at the foster care orientation class. Since then, we've done many of the home improvements that we need to become certified. Matthew worked hard during his time home after the baby. (We were blessed to have him home for ten days!) He set up both Rebecca and Daniels' rooms so that they now have capacity for two kids in each. So if we get our dream of one boy and one girl, we are ready to go. He also installed seven smoke alarms, one in each bedroom, one in the bonus room and an extra one in the hallway. I'm so glad to have the alarms in all the bedrooms. He also built our painting shelves into lockable cabinets, as well as installing Tot Locks in the laundry room where we will be able to keep our medicines and dangerous chemicals. He installed a wire shelf above the washer and dryer so that we can keep non-toxic cleaning supplies easily accessable but still out of reach to little hands. And since he didn't have quite enough to do with all this work and helping take care of the kids, he also touched up all the paint around the house, including our baseboards, which were sorely in need of some fresh paint.

Probably the most exciting news, though, is that we have all the money we need to finish our certification process. About a month ago, we got an unexpected check in the mail that more than covers our expenses. We not only have enough for the fees and such, but we also have enough to but things like cute comforters for the beds and the extra dresser that we need for Daniel's room. Finances have been the biggest determining factor in all this and have also been something that we are looking at to show us if God is opening or closing doors. So far, the doors keep opening. Well, it's more like they are flinging as wide as they can. People told me that if this was what God wanted, the finances would never be an issue. So it's very exciting seeing him do his work.

Now that we have the funds, we really need to get over to the police station and get our background checks started. Maybe we can go over there today...hmmm. Anyway, with that started, there will be some other minor paperwork things to do and the home improvements to finish. But we are pretty close to being ready to start our home study process. Very exciting! We also are scheduled to attend an adoption orientation class, which I'm really looking forward to. It will be similar to the foster care class, but with a focus on adoption, of course. I have been so impressed with how Koinonia really prepares their families. I can't tell you how much of a comfort it is to me to have their covering over us.

One more thing, we still need a 12 passenger van. I think that of all the big vans out there, I would like a Cheverolet Express the most. We're thinking that with our tax return next year we should be able to pay at least a good chunk of money down on one and only finance a small portion of it. Actually, my prayer is that we would find one that we can pay cash for. Anyway, last night I was at a meeting for our home school co-op and was sharing with one of the other moms about how God has provided finanically for this adoption. I added that all we need now is the van and she said that she would have her husband start looking out for one. I didn't even realize that he was in the car business, but I'm very excited at the prospect of having someone we know who is also plugged in to selling cars help us out. I don't know if anything will come of it or if God's provision will come from elsewhere. But I certainly feel God's support through that offer. On a side note, I never realized how many Chevy Express Vans there were out there! But now I see them all the time. Most of them are cargo vans. But the other day I saw a passenger one going down the road. You know, those things aren't small. And there's really nothing cool about driving one around. But I have never wanted to drive a vehicle like I want to drive one of those. :) I can just see myself going here and there in my minibus full of kids. It'll be like a party going down the road! I love having a big family!

Thank you, everyone who is praying. We are blessed beyond measure.

Oh, one more thing. Check out one of my friend's blogs at www.1boast.net. You'll be amazed at their story!

It's Here!

No, it's not the baby. :) Today is my due date and he's still very happily staying indoors. I will see the doctor on Wednesday and we'll see what he has to say. So much for 39 weeks, huh? Oh well. It's been very good practice at being content with God's timetable instead of mine. I've had a couple of rough spots where I felt like I was going crazy. Actually, almost every morning now that I think of it. But I'm really trying to submit my heart to God's plan for each day.

What we did get, though, is that furniture. It has turned out better than I expected. It's a loft bed with another bed that comes out at an L shape. Then it has a five drawer dresser, a small wardrobe, and a bookshelf all of which fits nicely under the loft bed. So it will be pretty compact, which is great for the wall space in Rebecca's room. It is pretty scuffed and dinged, but we'll clean it with some oil soap and that should help. That will probably have to wait until after the baby comes, though. :)

We met with our pastor last week about fost-adopting. Although what he said was very challenging to me, it was good. The two things I took away from it were first that our natural kids have to come first. This is something that we learned in our foster care orientation class, but our talk with our pastor strengthened that resolve in my mind. Second, I had started to hold on to this whole idea like it had to happen instead of holding it with an open hand. Although I firmly believe that fost-adoption is in our future, if I hold on to it tightly and don't let God be the one to make it happen, we will have a disaster on our hands. So I need to guard my heart regarding that.

So, we haven't had any big developments, but I thought I'd share our little victories. Hopefully, my next post will involve pictures of a cute little newborn. :)

Open Doors

Yesterday we had our first training class for foster care. We weren't sure going into it if we would come away encouraged or discouraged. In fact, we had decided to postpone getting our background checks done until after this class so that we wouldn't have spent the money on them if we backed out. The person who taught the class is Bill Richardson, the grandson of the lady who founded Koinonia - whose full name escapes me at the moment. Her first name is Miriam. It was an amazing and very educational experience for us. Not only did we learn a lot, but we also were able to ask many questions that have been on our hearts. We came away from it even more sure that this is the course God has for our family.

Probably one of the most encouraging parts of the day for me was at the end, when we sat down one-on-one with Bill and just talked with him. As we explained that we have (almost) five kids at home aged 9 and under and our concerns for their well-being in this process, his immediate response was that we will have to be very careful about who we place in our home. I was so blessed at how committed Koinonia is to making the right match of children with foster parents instead of pressuring us to accept every child that comes along. Although, I think that Matthew would like to do that himself. :)

Koinonia also offers parents a lot of support including ongoing training as well as 24/7 help from our social worker. We also found out that in most cases, after the county social worker places the child with us, our main contact will be our Koinonia social worker. So we will continue to work with people who have the same vision and heart that we have. I am so grateful that God lead us to go through Koinonia, because I feel like we are being protected and supported where we're at and not being expected to fulfill a calling that we have not been given.

Speaking of callings, we came into this planning on adopting not fostering. However, as we learn more, we really believe that God would not have us limit how he wants to use us either as foster or adoptive parents. So we are not going to put any limitations on who they can offer us. For instance, if a child has just been removed from their home and there is a good possibility that they will go back home, we will still be open to fostering them for a time. Our ultimate goal is still adoption. And it could be that the first placement we get will be the ones God has for our family. However, if part of God's plan for us is to have an influence in the life of a child who may not stay with us, we do not want to say no to that. It seems like he may have lured us into one of his divine traps by getting us to say yes to a little without knowing the "a lot" that he has planned. I think it's called bait and switch. So typical of him. :)

Another blessing that just happened is some furniture. I found a matching set of solid oak bunk beds, a chest of drawers and a little wardrobe (which the kids think would be great for pretending Narnia in) priced at $150. But I wasn't really sure about it. It's almost got a nautical style to it all and it's got quite a few dings and such in it. Also, I felt that we needed to spend about $100 on the furniture in order to be frugal with our adoption money and this set cost $150. So I e-mailed the guy back and said that I was thinking about it, but wasn't sure about the style and asked a couple more questions. However, I said nothing about the price. I got a response today that he would drop the price of the whole set to $100 because his wife wants to get rid of them! I can't believe that we're going to get a set of oak furniture for that price. There's still a possibility that the deal could fall through. I have not heard back from him yet about when and where we can pick them up. But if it does, I'll just keep looking for what God has planned.

You've probably noticed that I have not had the baby yet. :) When I went to the doctor on Wednesday, I was dilated to 3cm. I usually am at about a 4 when I go into labor. So we're certainly getting close. I have regularly been having contractions throughout the day and increasing in the evening, but nothing enough to get me worked up yet. However, they are becoming stronger and more painful - not really painful, but it's there. Tomorrow is my "official" 39 week mark. Because I felt like God said to pray for 39 weeks, I'm having a hard time disciplining my soul not to be anxious about going into labor tomorrow - or to have any expectations really. And my pride would not like it much if I had to admit that I was wrong about what God said. Blah to my flesh! Anyway, be thinking of us and praying this week. I'm ready to hold my newest little boy in my arms. I think we all are.

God is so amazingly good. He is asking us to step out in faith quite a bit right now. It's very stretching, to say the least! And it's only just begun. I know that what he is calling us to is not easy, but as he provides the open doors and we walk through in obedience and faith, I know that he will meet us with exactly what we need for each circumstance. I think I would rather be on this journey with him than sitting safely in my little box waiting for nothing.

Hiding in God

Yesterday, I heard the story of a family who adopted an older foster child. This child ended up molesting all the natural children in the home. But that information didn't come out until all the children were grown. At the time I heard this story, it happened that I was watching my oldest, Rebecca, and her friend play on the Webkins website. Both Rebecca and her friend are home schooled. So there is a level of innocence in them that public school children just don't get to have. In fact, it's one of the reasons that I love home schooling. So as I sat there imagining that my daughter could be hurt in the same way these other children were, the fear that I have faced since well before we ever made the decision to fost-adopt and, in fact, what has kept me from wanting to ever bring troubled children into my home, came back stronger than ever. I went and found a private place where I could cry out to God without interruption. In a nut shell, I reminded God that this was not my idea in the first place, but his. I was very happy with my sheltered little family and was not asking for him to rock our world like this. Then I pleaded with him that if this is not his will for us, that he would undeniably shut the doors on us and not allow us to walk through them. The only way I want to go through with this is if God is the one leading us. Otherwise, it is foolishness. As I prayed, God once again brought the scripture to my mind that he gave me a couple of years ago to pray specifically over Matthew, but vicariously over our whole family, since Matthew is our spiritual head. It's also one of the scriptures that I heard at church the night I surrendered to this idea of God's. The whole chapter is pretty much about not just going through the motions of religion, such as fasting, but putting feet to your faith.

Is. 58:5-9
vs. 5 Is this really the kind of fasting I want?
Do I want a day when people merely humble themselves,
bowing their heads like a reed
and stretching out on sackcloth and ashes?
Is this really what you call a fast,
a day that is pleasing to the Lord?
vs. 6 No, this is the kind of fast I want.
I want you to remove the sinful chains,
to tear away the ropes of the burdensome yoke,
to set free the oppressed,
and to break every burdensome yoke.
vs. 7 I want you to share your food with the hungry
and to provide shelter for homeless, oppressed people.
When you see someone naked, clothe him!
Don’t turn your back on your own flesh and blood!
vs. 8 Then your light will shine like the sunrise;
your restoration will quickly arrive;
your godly behavior will go before you,
and the Lord’s splendor will be your rear guard.
vs. 9a Then you will call out, and the Lord will respond;
you will cry out, and he will reply, ‘Here I am.’

I could put more, but you get the idea. As I was crying out before him, that's what he spoke to me, "Is this not the kind of fast that I require?" What can I say to that? This is the fast he has required of us. My heart once again at peace, I committed myself to follow him wherever he leads, trusting him to protect and guide us - and especially to keep us from evil and close the doors if we are going in the wrong direction.

That night during worship at church, our pastor shared the story of how Elijah confronted the prophets of Baal. How the priests of Baal did everything they could to get him to consume their offering, including self mutilation, yet nothing happened. Then Elijah prepared his sacrifice by not only providing the altar, wood, and offering, but also by digging a trench around the altar and soaking the whole thing with water. Then he asked God to accept his offering, whereupon God proceeded to send fire from heaven that consumed the offering, wood, stones of the alter and all the water. I felt challenged that this is the attitude I need to take towards this season in our lives. I don't have to try to make this work out. I pretty much just need to do what is right before me and even to "pour water" on it, refusing to try to help God make this possible. Then I am allowing God to show his power and glory, not mine. This is especially true in the financial area, since that is probably the biggest open and closed door at this point. As I was praying over all this, I gave the financial provision back to God and told him that if he wants to make this happen, it will have to be him.

At this juncture, we have a little over $300 of the $520 that we need to finance the first part of our foster and adoption certification. After church, I kid you not, we were given a check for $100 specifically for the adoption. Our friends who gave it to us said that the husband had felt lead to give it to us. But the wife forgot about it until they saw me at church that night. Then she felt like they were supposed to give it to us that night. I was completely and totally undone. Here I was pleading for closed doors to keep us from going the wrong way, and God just reconfirmed that the doors are not closed! God's timing never ceases to amaze me. They had no idea the process I had gone through that day, but they listened to the Lord and blessed us with much more than $100. They really were the hand of God's blessing and approval for us last night.

So I wanted to share that story with you. God is so good that even though I walk through the valley of shadow and death, I will fear no evil, for he is with me.

On a side note, I had an ultrasound today to try to help determine the size of our baby that is due on the 21st. Since Ethan was 9 lbs. 9 oz. and almost got stuck, the doctor is being more cautious about letting this baby get too big for me to push out. Anyway, he is as cute as can be. His cheeks are so chubby and he seems to have Joel's nose. The whole time we were looking at him, his little lips were puckered in that cute little pucker that newborns do. It made me want to kiss them. I have had a hard time grasping the reality that we really are having another baby. So it was good for my heart to get to see him and know that this little person is part of our family.

Please pray for wisdom for us and the doctor. If the doctor feels that the baby is getting too big, he will want to do a C-section rather than endanger me or the baby. But I have had all my children naturally and really would prefer not to go the C-section route. Honsetly, this baby doesn't feel as big as Ethan did. So I am pretty comfortable with going the natural route. But we will need agreement on this between us and the doctor. Also, I felt a few weeks ago that God gave me faith to pray for the baby to come at 39 weeks instead of 40+. Although this could just me the desperate cry of a woman who's really tired of being pregnant, I did feel like it was a God thought, not mine. So that is what I am praying for, but planning on going full term. If you would also pray with me for 39 weeks, that would be awesome. God is never still or silent, is he? :) Have a blessed week!