Hands in the Air

A friend's recent miscarriage made me start thinking of the time we lost our first baby.  On a Saturday night, just a day or two after losing the baby I was in such grief.  Matthew was sleeping peacefully next to me.  I remember being angry that he could sleep so well having just lost our child.  I was in torment for hours and finally took myself out to the family room, where I wrestled with God for some time.  I cried and raged and cried some more.  Sometimes the crying would ease up, until a fresh wave of grief hit me and the tears started again.  I was so angry that He would take our first child from us.  As I continued in this state, the song "Hands in the Air" by The Waiting came on our CD player.

When I heard that song, I knew that I had to stop fighting Him.  I had to surrender my will, my dreams and hopes.  I had to die to them.  I had to submit.  Fresh tears began, but these were tears of healing and release, not anger and self-pity.  When the tears stopped, my heart was at peace.  I was able to sleep and have never struggled with anger over that loss again.  Grief, yes.  But not anger.

That was almost fourteen years ago.  The date I lost the baby was around February 11, 1998.  In May of 1998, we became pregnant again with our oldest living daughter.  She will be 13 in one week.  She is such a blessing and joy in my life.  I often wonder if the Lord allowed the first baby, which was not planned, to be conceived to prepare our hearts for parenthood so that Rebecca would be born.  You see, at the time of our first pregnancy, we were using birth control.  Our first pregnancy was an "accident".  But by the time we lost that one, we had become excited about being parents and were eager to be pregnant again.  That is why we got pregnant with Rebecca.

But for whatever reason we lost that baby, I know it taught me an important lesson in submission to the Lord in every circumstance.  Furthermore, as I have grown to know Him better, I have become convinced that He is good and I can trust Him in the midst of every storm.

He Has Done Great Things!

I heard someone say that they are happy to leave 2011 behind.  It's not because it was a bad year for them.  They just felt like they were in a holding pattern, neither going backward or forward.  As I pondered that, I realized that 2011 for me was a monumental, life-changing year!  So I thought I would make a list of the things that happened this year and see how long it gets.

1. I got really tired of wanting to be a godly wife, but not knowing the right way to do it.
2. God brought a wonderful Titus 2 woman into my life to mentor me.
3. I read the book "So Much More" by Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin, which completely rocked my world.
4. I began applying the principles I learned from that book and the Word of God to my calling as a wife and mother.
5. As I committed to walking in obedience to the Word of God, I found that bondages to fear and anger that I had struggled against for years were broken.
6. Because of the dramatic change I experienced through simple obedience to the Word, I began to have a love for the Word like I had never known before.
7. I had more and more desire to know what the Bible says and do it.  If simple obedience to the Word of God causes so drastic of a change, I want to apply that word to my life as much as possible!
8. I began to understand who I am in Christ.
9. I continued to read and learn from books like "On the Other Side of the Garden" by Virginia Fugate and "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace.
10. I began to focus more and more on my home as my center of ministry through discipling my children, ministering to my husband and hospitality to others.
11. I started to set my house in order, beginning with a family closet and expanding through the rest of the house.  I still have not finished everything I want to do, but I'm always getting closer to my goals.
12. I began to look at gardening as not only a fun hobby, but also a legitimate way to become more self-sufficient and save money.
13. I began to study home making skills such as bread baking, canning and knitting.
14. I started to view myself as my husband's help meet, instead of him being mine.
15. As I did that, my heart turned toward my husband and I began to love and appreciate him more deeply than I ever had before.
16. I began to find myself blissfully happy throughout the day, as opposed to mostly discontent, which would have been my normal state of mind.
17. I found myself daydreaming about what a wonderful husband I have.  I could actually see that now.  He's always been wonderful, but I was blind to so much of it.
18. With my husband's blessing, I and the daughters of our home began to dress more modestly and femininely.
19. I saw my oldest daughter blossom as she began to learn alongside me what it means to be a godly woman.
20. I got to attend an Above Rubies conference in Lake Tahoe with my daughter, sister and a dear friend.
21. I found a wonderful mentor in Nancy Campbell, founder of Above Rubies, and began to read her materials with great interest.
22. I continue to be challenged to grow in my walk with the Lord and am so excited to allow Him to continue His work in me.

For years, the verse in the Bible that I most related to was Proverbs 14:1.  "A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands."  It was the foolish woman that I most related to.  I wanted to be the wise woman, but I just did not know how.  But God is teaching me how to be the wise woman and I have such hope for the future of my family because I know that we are on the right path.

Oh, and one more thing.  23. I made plans with my dad to start keeping bees.  We got to tour two different hives.  He is building our first two hives next weekend with my kids.  And our bees are on order for April!

God is so good and I give Him all the glory.  He has done great things!