Hands in the Air

A friend's recent miscarriage made me start thinking of the time we lost our first baby.  On a Saturday night, just a day or two after losing the baby I was in such grief.  Matthew was sleeping peacefully next to me.  I remember being angry that he could sleep so well having just lost our child.  I was in torment for hours and finally took myself out to the family room, where I wrestled with God for some time.  I cried and raged and cried some more.  Sometimes the crying would ease up, until a fresh wave of grief hit me and the tears started again.  I was so angry that He would take our first child from us.  As I continued in this state, the song "Hands in the Air" by The Waiting came on our CD player.

When I heard that song, I knew that I had to stop fighting Him.  I had to surrender my will, my dreams and hopes.  I had to die to them.  I had to submit.  Fresh tears began, but these were tears of healing and release, not anger and self-pity.  When the tears stopped, my heart was at peace.  I was able to sleep and have never struggled with anger over that loss again.  Grief, yes.  But not anger.

That was almost fourteen years ago.  The date I lost the baby was around February 11, 1998.  In May of 1998, we became pregnant again with our oldest living daughter.  She will be 13 in one week.  She is such a blessing and joy in my life.  I often wonder if the Lord allowed the first baby, which was not planned, to be conceived to prepare our hearts for parenthood so that Rebecca would be born.  You see, at the time of our first pregnancy, we were using birth control.  Our first pregnancy was an "accident".  But by the time we lost that one, we had become excited about being parents and were eager to be pregnant again.  That is why we got pregnant with Rebecca.

But for whatever reason we lost that baby, I know it taught me an important lesson in submission to the Lord in every circumstance.  Furthermore, as I have grown to know Him better, I have become convinced that He is good and I can trust Him in the midst of every storm.