Saturday, August 18, 2012

Momentary, Light Affliction

We lost our baby to a miscarriage last week. We found out at my first prenatal appointment that the baby had not made it past 5 weeks. Two days later, I started bleeding and that Friday night I had the miscarriage. The only real complication medically was that I got dehydrated from blood loss and had to go to the ER. I'm also anemic, but they said that I'm no worse than after I've given birth. So I'm just taking iron to build my blood supply back up. I was grateful that I did not need a blood transfusion or a DNC.

The last week for me has been a week of grieving and healing. I caught a stomach virus in the ER and as a result have been quarantined to my room this week so that I don't spread it to the rest of the family. So far so good, no one else has gotten sick! It has been good in many ways to be stuck in my room. I was able to spend a day journaling and mourning the loss of my baby. I have also been able to do some planning and scheduling for our coming school year. I would not have taken the time to do that if I was busy having summer fun with the kids right now. So, although it has been hard on the family and I am greatly looking forward to the end of my confinement, I am also grateful that the Lord works all things for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

I wanted to share the Lord's goodness through this process. He has walked through this with us and I have never felt alone or unprotected. Throughout this pregnancy, things never seemed right to me. I had physical indications of this, but I also knew in my Spirit that this baby would never be born into this world. When I would speak of the baby coming in early March, it never felt like it would really happen. A few weeks before the miscarriage, I realized that I was worrying about this and prayed with my accountability partner confessing the sin of worry and surrendering this baby to the Lord's plan. Even on the day of my prenatal appointment, as I was filling out my preliminary paperwork, I remember wondering if all that paperwork was necessary. So when the doctor became concerned that he was not seeing a 10 week old baby, I was not surprised. It just confirmed what I already knew in my spirit. I am so very grateful that the Lord was preparing my heart ahead of time, especially that He has lead me through surrendering to Him before I lost the baby. How gently He leads us!

The miscarriage was fairly traumatic to me. I lost a lot of blood and that was scary. I was afraid I was going to die. I don't know if I was overreacting or not. I probably was. It was traumatic nonetheless. Something happened in the ER that was another sweet assurance of the Lord's covering over me. My mom had just hung up the phone from checking up on me when our pastor from Germany called. He said the Lord had laid our family on his heart and was calling to see if we were ok. She was able to share my situation with him and they prayed together for me. When she called a few minutes later and told us what happened, I just cried. I know the Lord is protecting me, but this was the confirmation I needed in that moment. He knows exactly what we need and He never fails us!

We have been and are continuing to be blessed this week with meals from family and friends. I did not expect this to happen, but we have meals coming well into next week. It is more than I could have asked for! I am honored to be the recipient of blessing from the Body of Christ. Even in this the Lord has more than supplied.

We are still grieving as the grief comes. But we are also filled with joy and peace that the Lord's plans for us are perfect, even when the plan is hard. I was thinking about something our pastor says. He says that if all our trials were placed in a big pile, we would each go to the pile and pick out the one that belongs to us. We would not reach for other people's problems, because our problems have been tailored to fit us and are exactly what we need. I think he is right.

2 Corinthians 4:17, 18 says, "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." I want that "eternal weight of glory" in me. My Father in Heaven knows how best to work that in me, so I will press in to Him and trust that every trial He brings my way is part of His perfect plan for me. May He be glorified!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Blessing in Obedience

Someone asked me recently if I believed that the Holy Spirit could tell a couple when they are done having children, thus allowing them to cut off their fertility.  I didn't have a solid answer at the time.  But it prompted me to do some serious thinking about the subject.  For us, my husband and I believe in leaving that decision up to the Lord.  And I can name blessing after blessing in our own lives for having made that decision.  But what about the church in general?  I know people who have ended their fertility for seemingly very godly reasons.  One couple had four children already and loved having children.  But they wanted to open their home and hearts to adopting and felt lead to limit their biological children so that they could do that.  I have heard of families only having a couple of children so that they could be more free to minister in the church.  Then there are the women on whom pregnancy is very hard and those to whom pregnancy can be very dangerous.

After mulling this over for several weeks and not coming to a definitive conclusion in my own mind, I decided to do something intelligent.  I asked my husband his opinion.  And, as it typical for him, his answer was solid.  So after chewing on his answer for a couple more weeks, I thought I would share it here.

There is no commandment that says we may not end our fertility,  nothing we can point to that says, "If you end your fertility, you are sinning."  In other words, it's not in the Ten Commandments.  But if we look at Biblical principle, there is a very strong argument for having an open womb.  The first command ever given in the Bible is to "be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and subdue it."  That phrase "fill the earth" literally means to fill to overflowing, an overabundance.  So it's not a stretch to see that God has designed us to be very fruitful.  This command was given before sin had entered the world.  So this was God's plan in his perfect creation.  Since God is the same yesterday, today and forever, why would He change His plan just because we're in the 21st century?  His principles stand throughout time.  So if He has told us to fill the earth to overflowing, who are we to decide what is enough?

Infertility in the Bible is seen as a curse.  In Leviticus 20, childlessness is the punishment for incest.  Similarly, Michal, David's wife, had no children because she mocked David for dancing before the Ark of the Lord.  (2 Sam. 6:23)  Look at Genesis 20:18 and Hosea 9:11 for further examples of this.  If barrenness is a curse, why would someone want to bring that curse upon themselves?

Conversely, having children is seen as a blessing. Psalm 127 is very famous for speaking of children as a blessing.  Fertility is part of the blessing of obedience in Deuteronomy 7:14 and Exodus 23:26.  Part of the blessing given to Abraham and his descendants is many offspring.  (Genesis 22:17, 26:24, 28:3)

Also, the Lord is given full credit for the creation of life and the opening of the womb.  He is the one who enabled Rachel to have children. (Genesis 30:22) He also allowed Leah to have children because she was unloved in her marriage. (Genesis 29:31)   Isaac prayed for his wife, Rebekah, to have children and after that she became pregnant.  The Bible says, "The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant." (Gen 25:21)  If the Lord is the one who opens and closes the womb, then shouldn't we leave it up to Him?  Doesn't He know what we need so much better than we do?

There is much more that the Bible has to say about this, but it would fill a book.  So if you would like to read more, I highly recommend Nancy Campbell's "Be Fruitful and Multiply".  I was also blessed by "A Mom Just Like You" by Vicki Farris.  Although this book was not written around this subject, she does share her personal journey from using birth control to leaving it to the Lord.  There is also much more in her book that will be encouraging for mothers.

I used to be someone who thought those open womb people were crazy.  I found my children to be burdensome much of the time and I often felt trapped and unsatisfied in my role as a mother.  Only as I have learned to embrace God's vision for women and mothers have I entered into a season of unparalleled joy.  Through this experience, I have come to love obeying the Word of the Lord, whether or not I understand why.  I am now in pursuit of understanding everything His Word says about me, so that my life can be in line with the Lord in every way possible.  As I do this, the blessings keep increasing and increasing.  My home is becoming more and more righteous.  My children are happier, my marriage is unbelievably blessed and I am filled with joy and peace.  God's ways go against our human understanding.  They just don't make sense most of the time!  But when we obey, we can be sure that we will be blessed!


These are my "unplanned" blessings.  When I think that I could have prevented them from existing, my heart is grieved.  They bring our family so much joy.

Daniel's Baptism

Saturday was a very special day for our family, especially our oldest son Daniel.  He was baptized, thereby publicly declaring his intent to follow the Lord for the rest of his life.  The occasion was made even more special because my husband was the one to baptize him.  Since he is Daniel's spiritual leader, it seemed fitting for him to baptize his son.

Just before Daniel is dunked.
One year ago, Daniel could not have been baptized.  We had not seen the fruit of the Holy Spirit in his life.  But in September of last year, he surrendered his heart to the Lord.  We have seen him grow so much in this past year.  In many ways, he is not even the same person he used to be.  We are so proud of him and thrilled that he has decided to follow Jesus.
I missed the shot where he was under, but the deed has been done.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Daniel was in the paper

Daniel was in the Roseville Press-Tribune this Saturday.  He was interviewed for the National Day of Prayer.  The reporter asked him was he was praying for.  Daniel said he was praying for things like revival in America and the ending of abortion.  The reporter replied, "So no XBox or video games?"  This was his reply.  We were very proud of him.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

All Things Girlish

We had a great time celebrating Rebecca's 13th birthday.


We started the fun with picking up some lunch and heading to the fountains to eat.

Then we went to the mall to get Rebecca's ears pierced.  She was sooo nervous!

But she survived.  It wasn't that bad!

She had several friends over for a very, very elegant birthday party.

They all worked together and make this beautiful picture wreath for her.

Each of them decorated a picture of themselves and attached it to the wreath.  It is a beautiful keepsake.

They had a delicious dinner of chicken nuggets with four sauces to choose from and caesar salad, followed by cheese fondue.

She received many pairs of earrings as gifts.

While they ate dinner and did their nails, they watched every episode of Anne of Green Gables.  The house was full of laughter and giggles at the antics of Anne.

We made Apricot Parfait for dessert.  I didn't realize it at first, but everything in this dish was home made, even the apricot preserves.

The girls put mourning flowers on the tv when Matthew Cuthbert died.

I experimented on the girls' hair by making sock buns.  The goal was to have beautifully curly locks in the morning.  It was interesting to see the different results.

They had a wonderful time making memories.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Hands in the Air

A friend's recent miscarriage made me start thinking of the time we lost our first baby.  On a Saturday night, just a day or two after losing the baby I was in such grief.  Matthew was sleeping peacefully next to me.  I remember being angry that he could sleep so well having just lost our child.  I was in torment for hours and finally took myself out to the family room, where I wrestled with God for some time.  I cried and raged and cried some more.  Sometimes the crying would ease up, until a fresh wave of grief hit me and the tears started again.  I was so angry that He would take our first child from us.  As I continued in this state, the song "Hands in the Air" by The Waiting came on our CD player.


When I heard that song, I knew that I had to stop fighting Him.  I had to surrender my will, my dreams and hopes.  I had to die to them.  I had to submit.  Fresh tears began, but these were tears of healing and release, not anger and self-pity.  When the tears stopped, my heart was at peace.  I was able to sleep and have never struggled with anger over that loss again.  Grief, yes.  But not anger.

That was almost fourteen years ago.  The date I lost the baby was around February 11, 1998.  In May of 1998, we became pregnant again with our oldest living daughter.  She will be 13 in one week.  She is such a blessing and joy in my life.  I often wonder if the Lord allowed the first baby, which was not planned, to be conceived to prepare our hearts for parenthood so that Rebecca would be born.  You see, at the time of our first pregnancy, we were using birth control.  Our first pregnancy was an "accident".  But by the time we lost that one, we had become excited about being parents and were eager to be pregnant again.  That is why we got pregnant with Rebecca.

But for whatever reason we lost that baby, I know it taught me an important lesson in submission to the Lord in every circumstance.  Furthermore, as I have grown to know Him better, I have become convinced that He is good and I can trust Him in the midst of every storm.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

He Has Done Great Things!

I heard someone say that they are happy to leave 2011 behind.  It's not because it was a bad year for them.  They just felt like they were in a holding pattern, neither going backward or forward.  As I pondered that, I realized that 2011 for me was a monumental, life-changing year!  So I thought I would make a list of the things that happened this year and see how long it gets.

1. I got really tired of wanting to be a godly wife, but not knowing the right way to do it.
2. God brought a wonderful Titus 2 woman into my life to mentor me.
3. I read the book "So Much More" by Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin, which completely rocked my world.
4. I began applying the principles I learned from that book and the Word of God to my calling as a wife and mother.
5. As I committed to walking in obedience to the Word of God, I found that bondages to fear and anger that I had struggled against for years were broken.
6. Because of the dramatic change I experienced through simple obedience to the Word, I began to have a love for the Word like I had never known before.
7. I had more and more desire to know what the Bible says and do it.  If simple obedience to the Word of God causes so drastic of a change, I want to apply that word to my life as much as possible!
8. I began to understand who I am in Christ.
9. I continued to read and learn from books like "On the Other Side of the Garden" by Virginia Fugate and "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace.
10. I began to focus more and more on my home as my center of ministry through discipling my children, ministering to my husband and hospitality to others.
11. I started to set my house in order, beginning with a family closet and expanding through the rest of the house.  I still have not finished everything I want to do, but I'm always getting closer to my goals.
12. I began to look at gardening as not only a fun hobby, but also a legitimate way to become more self-sufficient and save money.
13. I began to study home making skills such as bread baking, canning and knitting.
14. I started to view myself as my husband's help meet, instead of him being mine.
15. As I did that, my heart turned toward my husband and I began to love and appreciate him more deeply than I ever had before.
16. I began to find myself blissfully happy throughout the day, as opposed to mostly discontent, which would have been my normal state of mind.
17. I found myself daydreaming about what a wonderful husband I have.  I could actually see that now.  He's always been wonderful, but I was blind to so much of it.
18. With my husband's blessing, I and the daughters of our home began to dress more modestly and femininely.
19. I saw my oldest daughter blossom as she began to learn alongside me what it means to be a godly woman.
20. I got to attend an Above Rubies conference in Lake Tahoe with my daughter, sister and a dear friend.
21. I found a wonderful mentor in Nancy Campbell, founder of Above Rubies, and began to read her materials with great interest.
22. I continue to be challenged to grow in my walk with the Lord and am so excited to allow Him to continue His work in me.

For years, the verse in the Bible that I most related to was Proverbs 14:1.  "A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands."  It was the foolish woman that I most related to.  I wanted to be the wise woman, but I just did not know how.  But God is teaching me how to be the wise woman and I have such hope for the future of my family because I know that we are on the right path.

Oh, and one more thing.  23. I made plans with my dad to start keeping bees.  We got to tour two different hives.  He is building our first two hives next weekend with my kids.  And our bees are on order for April!

God is so good and I give Him all the glory.  He has done great things!